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Selfish

The quote that said all of our motives are selfish has stayed with me. We choose friends who we hope will serve us in some manner, whether in exchange for fun, loyalty or money, our decisions about the people we choose are for our own benefit.

We choose lovers after we assess how they make us feel. We outweigh their pros against their cons and decided to continue staying with them. We tell ourselves we sacrifice a lot but it’s usually because there is a benefit in it for us that we don’t want to let go of.

A…


deadpan. detached. dispassionate. impassive. matter-of-fact.

Those are the words thesaurus.com states as synonyms for feeling numb. While I’d like a word that sums it all up, I suppose a handful of words will have to do. I don’t consider myself apathetic but I’ve become repulsed to people and their morbid complains of how unwell they are, how their shoulder hurts, or how they don’t feel hungry.

Jerry was certain he’d erupt into sobs and tears any second. He sat behind the hospital counter trying to repress the urge to scream and cry. The hollow feeling in his chest had arisen…


Best-Friendless

Melodramatic title, right? But I don’t think it’s wrong. Nowadays, it’s considered mature if you’re only ‘close friends with one or two people’, and even them you keep at a distance.

However, I’ve always, like many people, flitted through ‘best friends’. During junior high, I had best friends I’d fight with, never be fully in tune with and that is okay. …


HOURS AND HOURS

My sister read a post to me that said people shouldn’t intertwine their passions and their careers. By career we mean any job or work that one does purely for the purpose of money. The post said that if we are able to separate the two, then even if our careers become dreary, we’re never going to let it affect our passion, or never have our passion for a specific task or hobby dwindle.

I suppose because this constant labour for money is gut wrenching, difficult and tiring, it would make sense to ensure it isn’t something…


I have friends who had loving fathers.

I have friends who had caring fathers.

I have friends who had fathers they’re proud of, but I’m sure I’m the only one who has a broken man for a father.

I’m not sure if he needs help or this is what a man who hates himself appears as. I’m not sure if he is capable of love. I am sure that he didn’t want to be a father or wasn’t ready to be one.

He’s got a wife whose heart he has hurt beyond repair. He has two daughters, one whom he…


3:00 am Thoughts

Apparently, there was a time when people could speak to a stranger on the internet and not immediately have a panic attack about having done so.

I watched the movie The Holiday and I cried, a lot. I cry during movies because I need that release of emotions. While there are other ‘better’ ways to release one’s angst, let’s say this is the one I find the most comfort in.

Amanda and Iris exchange their lives for 2 weeks. …


The fear of having fallen behind.

Having fallen behind in love,

In money

In success

In friends

In stability.

I have fallen behind. I am sure of it, I cannot look at someone else be happy without having a crippling envy for not having had the same. I am becoming someone I didn’t want to be. I cannot be happy for someone else’s success because I so badly crave it.

I want difficulties and obstacles for the rest. I want my path to open up. …

Saba

Mom, it’s really difficult finding a path for myself after you’ve directed me down every single one so far.

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