The fear of having fallen behind.
Having fallen behind in love,
In money
In success
In friends
In stability.
I have fallen behind. I am sure of it, I cannot look at someone else be happy without having a crippling envy for not having had the same. I am becoming someone I didn’t want to be. I cannot be happy for someone else’s success because I so badly crave it.
I want difficulties and obstacles for the rest. I want my path to open up. If not difficulties then I want their car jammed, I am willing to help but only if I’m already ahead.
Is this competitiveness or ugliness, maybe I don’t want to care or recognise the difference.
I want to stop feeling like I have fallen behind. The key word here is ‘feeling’. That tells us I’m aware that this is a self imposed emotion because of the thoughts I’ve been having. I’m not literally behind. I am at a different pace than others. In life, where so much is arbitrary, it would be unfair to be critical of your own circumstances. Yes, there are those among us who work so hard and build an enviable life for themselves but many times we must accept whatever cards life has dealt us. Sometimes, we’re too lost to have realised soon enough that we had a chance at changing our lives. Regardless, I want to stop fleeing like I have fallen behind. I want to stop resenting the idea that someone else could have it easy or find the road to my definition of success faster than me. I want the world around me to slow down so when I catch up it feels like I had never fallen behind.
I don’t want to fall behind.
I don’t want to fall behind.
I need to manifest what I need for my future self to happen soon and without fail. I cannot allow a delay, even though I’m doing little to prepare for it. I can just hope that my plan doesn’t crumble and that if I play my cards right, I don’t fall behind. I don’t want to fall behind.
I need … some help.
I’d like some help, or love, or guidance.
