The dream of being relevant.

Someone explain to me how does one be relevant in these times? How do I speak of my pain without it seeming unoriginal? I tell myself maybe I’ll write a children’s book, or I could write about love or the lack of it, I could write about disloyalty or integrity, I could write about so much but what hasn’t been said before? I don’t delude myself with believing my experiences are unique.

Someone explain to me how do I speak into this vastness and be heard? I just want to write but I don’t know what to write about. Writing about not being able to write isn’t the cheat code I’m looking for.

How do I tell you that I feel a weight on my chest but I feel incapable of expressing it adequately! How do I stay relevant, God? You’ve told us to follow You but that doesn’t come as easily to me either? I want to seek You because nothing else seeks me, I just want to feel relevant. If I connect with you, I’ll feel intertwined with all that lives and breathes and the triviality of life will suddenly make sense and not depress me! I’ll have known all along that you remain relevant by always being a realist, is that it, God?

Someone tell me, because I’ve lost my damn mind. Do I study about the ocean, the worsening climate, new research methodologies, new medicines, the world wide wed? If I learn all that blooms and grows around us then I’ll stay relevant, won’t I? If I can say what you want to hear than I’ll be relevant, won’t I?

JUST TELL ME HOW CAN I BE OF VALUE TO MYSELF AND FEEL RELEVANT? WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR ME TO FEEL HEARD AND SEEN? Or is this just a symptom of feeling and being lonely? I beg you, don’t say it’s loneliness. Because if it is then I’m convinced there’s no cure.